I went to Chiang Rai, and all I got ... was attacked by a monkey.

When I last wrote, we were leaving Chiang Mai by car, and headed to Chiang Rai, which is north a few hours, closer to the border of Myanmar. Unfortunately I can't upload pictures here at this internet cafe, so you will just have to let me try to describe the experience, and I can load pictures later. It'll be kinda like reading the book, and seeing the movie after the fact, hopefully your imaginations will sustain you til then.

Our first (and only) full day in Chiang Rai was to be spent driving to the Golden Triangle, and making stops along the way. The golden triangle is a spot that looks over the Mekong River, from where Thailand, Myanmar, Laos, and China can all be seen. SNOOZE ALERT! I mean, it's cool and all, but it takes a whole day and we had planned on stopping at more wats to make the trip more interesting. "We" as in Mom, and "planned" as in hell no give me that Lonely Planet. I saw immediately something way cooler and what would make the trip to the Four Corners equivalent worth while: CAVES. Awesome, I think. This will be cool: Stalagmites and stalactites, underground lakes and crystals, and, let's face it: Manbearpig central. I point it out to the driver, who, with a wince and alternate suggestion, would change my life as I know it. "No good, rain make no drive. Monkey cave is better, I show you." Little did I know, who would show whom.

The drive through the mountains was incredible, the northern parts of Thailand are so green and tropical, not much unlike Hawaii. The humidity, the random rains, the incredible variations of green, the low fog that looks like mold on the crevices of far off tree covered mountains, endless rice fields and banana trees (plants? I'm too lazy and it's costing me kip to write this so I'm not going to fact check this one)... it really is a beautiful country. Then the urban aspects of Thailand remind me much of Mexico: the cars, 8 people in the back of pick up trucks or just as many on one motor bike, the buildings and carts selling food in the streets. Thailand has many more reminders, though, of their culture and government. You'll be driving down the road and all of a sudden there will be a huge billboard of their King. Or, several km down the same road, there will be a big sparkly red and gold ornamented gate, that looks more Chinese than Thai.

Anyway. It was one of these random towns where we finally stopped, we were let out to walk across this 2 plank, rickety makeshift bridge that was placed more than built, because the mud from the rain was so eroded that there was no more bridge to drive across. It was only a km or two down to the cave anyway, so we walked. The people were going about their merry business, and as has been consistent throughout our travels, they were extremely friendly but indifferent enough so that it didn't seem superficial. They pointed us in the direction of the cliffs, where the monkeys were. Sure enough, at the end of the road, there was a wooden cut out in the shape of a monkey, with a big stick figure smiley face painted on. This is where I made my mistake, my guard was down because of this false advertising. Smiling monkeys! Wow we must be in luck, I thought as I walked toward the big lake, where I saw other locals.

I was so not prepared for this many monkeys. They were everywhere: in the trees. On the roof of the public bathroom. On the ground running by my feet. On the bridge by the monks who brought school children there to see the Koi and monkeys up close. The locals were selling buckets of bananas and peanuts for people to hand to the monkeys themselves. Sarah bought two buckets and went to the task of distributing to those most worthy, after long discussions and instructions to those that gathered 'round her. I started snapping away. Then I noticed the locals had slingshots, and long pole vaulting bamboo sticks... but why? How dare they try to abuse these poor little innocents, who just wanted to come smile at the curious. I have my iphone (yes, I still have it), so I kneel down to get up close and personal. The sweetest monkey comes shyly up to me and even reaches his hand out to touch my bag (I know, aaaaawwwwwww). Then, like a bat out of hell, this guy selling bananas and koi food grabs his bamboo stick and runs at my monkey with aspirations of impalement. My little friend runs away screaming, and I stand up frustrated that I only got a profile shot. I look over at Sarah who is surrounded, talking with her monkey entourage, while they greedily grab her bananas. It's monkeypalooza over there. I decide to get away from these trigger happy Thai and go a little closer to where some cars are parked, near the trees and away from the koi lake and mountainside.

That's where I see him: huddled in the back of a pick up truck. I walk over to the other side and aim my camera. He isn't distracted by his new audience, so I do what you're supposed to do. "Hey, you monkey!" I suggest. "Look over here. Hey!" Nothing. Kiss kiss, click click. Let me tell you, if you ever want to get a monkey's attention, hit something hollow and made from tin or metal, like the back of a pick up truck. In one swift movement, the stupid jerk turns and one-two steps to slam dunk my head with his fangs bared and a taste for blood in his eyes.

Now, this is where my spider senses, cat like reflexes and overall grasshopper agility kicked in: I serenely focused on my assailant, crouched down and leaped to karate chop that monkey fucker right down the middle. At which point, the evil spell he had on the other monkeys was instantly broken, and everyone cheered because I saved the day. Eyewitness accounts might suggest I simply flinched, squealed, and ran away in hysterical laughter for fear of bursting into tears, but they don't speak a word of english so you won't be hearing any eyewitness accounts.

We did hike to the cave, 200 meters up and literally the steepest stairs I've ever climbed. Worse than the bell tower in Sienna, worse than the most difficult in Cinque Terre. No Joke. But it was worth it, it was like Indiana Jones up there, exposed tree roots and winding paths into the dark dark cave with bats inside. The rest of the day was spent pulling the "leave me alone I was attacked by a monkey" card. The Golden Triangle, in all fairness to the event coordinator aka momma Jean, was actually kinda cool. Plus we got to drink from a coconut, which was appropriately and symbolically tribal. We got to go to the border of Myanmar (much like the border towns in Mexico), and buy a whole bunch of stuff that was later shipped home. I think nearly every town we've stopped in, mom sent home a box :) ok ok exaggeration, but barely. So don't be surprised if you get something Asian for Christmas!

I'll have to save the river trip for another post, because it's time to go. It was fun, over all. Met some cool people, talked some politics. Luang Prabang is so small we have already run into most of them and we just got here last night. Mom and Connie and I met some of our river cruise companions and watched the CNN polls come in while eating breakfast at a place downtown, and as it got closer to lunch and closer to conclusion time, the place was pretty full. Once it was announced Obama won, everyone -- an old Chinese couple, a table of Aussie backpackers, the Laotian workers, and many more -- in unison all cheered and clapped for America's choice in the President elect. I even spilled a little water from my eyeballs. I know, I'm cheesy, but I was proud.